ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to