Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
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[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
ugh not again
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Stop it! 😂
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.