Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
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i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)