accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…