I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
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In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life