[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism