I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
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When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
two people or more is called a problem
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
found my next D&D character name
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers