My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Something Saturday.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.