Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.