Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
how to have an accident 101
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
God has left this place
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”