if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
beware of dog
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-