i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
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[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Baller is short for ballerina