I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Saturday
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.