an airline just for babies.
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up