Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
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Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Thinking about Jeff
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes