Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
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I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
They’re called werewolves.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
felt that
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
brian had himself a morning…