Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
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I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Yup.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle