I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
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Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean