[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
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When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce