Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase