If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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Haha good job!!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.