Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.