[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
TODAY
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: