[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
me doing my best
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her