My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
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Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Need WebMD
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.