Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”