You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
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*updates tinder bio*
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
This fish is cracking me up
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need