Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*