All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots