It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Modded the new Gran Turismo
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah