Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
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“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”