Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
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Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..