Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
sugar glider wrangler
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.