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5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Lmao
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.