Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.