Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
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[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY