i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.