WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
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My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
They also CAN sing✌️
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Roses are red
Violets are blue
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
A small tragedy.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.