Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.