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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.