Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?