23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.