You Might Also Like
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”