In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
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Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Only short people can save us
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Beware of the dog..
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie