Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm