Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
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I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“No way.” -Jose
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital