The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
getting old is fun
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I only treason on days ending in y
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills