This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
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The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Bless you
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
October already? What’s next? November????
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.