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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Tough love is true love
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?