34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?